Why breakups occur, what can be done to save relationships, how to ask loved ones for help and avoid a destructive scenario in the future.
Breaking up a relationship is always stressful, which is quite difficult to cope with. Moreover, a break can occur both in healthy relationships and in neurotic ones. Breaking up a healthy relationship is easier to experience. In such cases, the couple is usually in a dialogue, this decision is not a bolt from the blue. Most often, the decision to part is made together, the partners are prepared for changes in life, everyone is confident in their abilities, expects the best from the future and is adapted to a new life. Of course, even if the decision was balanced, it takes time to emotionally, physically and from a household point of view to separate from the partner, to adjust to a new rhythm. And yet, in this case, all this is experienced as something that can be overcome and live on.
The breakdown of neurotic relationships is more complicated. In this case, there was no practice of confidential communication within the union, an open dialogue where partners openly express their will and desires. Often, partners do not even really know each other, do not seek to understand the motives and feelings of the partner. If the breakup and separation become a surprise, it is very likely that it was a neurotic relationship.
In this situation, the one who did not make the decision to break up is going through a difficult and traumatic experience. This can exacerbate chronic psychological injuries that will "finish off" an already exhausted person with a break. Fortunately, this experience can become a turning point in the awareness of yourself and your needs, pathological attitudes and non-working schemes in the field of love (and not only) relationships.
Where did all this come from
Neurotic love, as well as toxic relationships, originates in childhood and reflects the relationship with parents. For example, if a child has suffered from the coldness of his parents, there is a chance that in adulthood he will look for the same partner. His ideas about love and relationships are associated with detachment, so the colder the better.
Another example: quite often depressed parents (or one of them) instill a sense of guilt in the child. This happens automatically and sometimes without the parents realizing that the child is constantly suffering from the fact that he can not make mom or dad happy. Such a child will look for a partner who is difficult to please.
Neurotic relationships differ from healthy ones in that in the first, the partner "loves" through suffering, because, unfortunately, he has no experience of relationships in which everyone is happy and happy. He loves those who do not value him, pushes him away and brings pain. Such relationships are based on the fact that a person repeatedly reviews the movies of the past: despite the fact that his partner is cold, they are nevertheless together, which means that it is similar to what happened to him in childhood — in his understanding, this is love, which he associates with any suffering, just not to be abandoned.
Therefore, when such a person is abandoned by a partner in adult life, the picture of his childhood, in which he was not noticed, did not share warmth with him and did not pay due attention, comes to life. The biggest fear of his childhood was embodied in reality — he was still abandoned. The suffering that arises in response is chronic trauma. They are so painful that they do not allow you to look at this situation differently and get benefits from it, for example, to recognize previous relationships as destructive, to draw conclusions and still find the person who will honestly love in return.
